Write about what you know, they say. I love plants, but I cannot advise you on how to help your plants thrive, grow and brighten your home because I have no knowledge of this black magic the green-fingered seem to wield. So, in lieu of any pearls of horticultural wisdom, I am instead documenting my trials and tribulations of the triffid variety. Suggestions on how to stem the tide of slow plant murder are greatly appreciated.